Feeling: blah

I don't know why but right now I feel sick to my stomach. I had a pretty good day. I went to DAK, then school then to EPCOT then hung out with the some co-workers at a bar. (I didn't drink, in case you were wondering) but somehow I feel depressed. I have an feeling on what it is.... Well I actually know why I'm feeling like this but I shouldn't be feeling like this. 

I guess this is what happens when you fall for someone you know will never like you back. Reading back on these blogs I always keep going back to this subject and I still haven't found out why I keep doing it. I think it's because I get to know the person before I start to have feeling, then I get those crazy butterflies that always show up when you see that person. Even though you feel like you're going to throw up chunks you still hang out because the person is just a cool person to hang out with. 

Now I knew that I was NEVER going to have a chance but I couldn't keep this secret away from the person because it felt wrong for him not to know. I always thought he kinda knew but I just had to make sure. Sure when you plan it in your head you hope for the 2nd most worst thing to happen but what happens when you get a response you would have never thought off. "Human emotions are whimsical and irrational" Then the closing of his bedroom door. How am I supposed to process that! I might feel like I'm more mature then what a 20 year old is but for someone who's never had a solid relationship that wasn't just to be used messes with your mind a bit... right? 

The next day we texted each other back and forth and he thought that was he's way of saying "It's ok, you'll find someone yada yada yada"... -.- REALLY! Come on. That's like a stab in the back. Ok I get it that I sprung it out of no where but could you have been a little more nurturing with your no. Now I'm putting to much of a blame on him because from what I know he hasn't been with anyone ether so we are in the same boat and we don't know how to handle it. 

I feel like I should be able to get over this and rebuild. The funny thing is that some of the friends I did make are telling me that they are going to set me up with someone. I think it's sweet that they are doing that. I really don't know how to respond to something like that. I know it probably isn't going to happen and I'm going to go back home without growing as a gay man, but at least I made some great friends along the way. 

I should stop being a debbie downer and look forward to the last 2 months of my program (unless I extend). I just started to talk to a friend about this and it seems like he'll be helpful. He's older so that will be good.

I just wish they thought you this kind of shit in High School.